my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
