I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
