how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
