He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
