textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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