someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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