even my farts smell like vagina
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
