i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
