i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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