Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
