I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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