That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The best revenge is premature balding
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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