Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
