Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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