I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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