One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
