if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
