i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
