I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
