The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
