and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
