saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
