I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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