why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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