If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize