Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
