girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
