Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
