She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
