My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
