I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
