She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My first STD was from a foam party
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
