I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Also, beer. Big fan.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
