WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
