Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
