Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
