If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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