I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
