this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
my liver is dry heaving
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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