You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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