Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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