Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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