You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
