I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
