Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
