If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
