is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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