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I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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