Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize