i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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