Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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