she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
