I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
