Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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