do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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