you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize