i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
