He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
