i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
