based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
